My Firstborn Awakening
You could never know the life you made, the definition you brought, and the love you showed me that can exist in one person’s heart. I will never forget the moment I held you with you looking up into my eyes, I could not imagine the intensity that came with you. Since that day, you have me in awe all of the time.
When I woke up this morning, I was so thankful that I had you, I had to reach out and tell you I love you and to have a great day. Then you said it back, and I wanted to cry because I cannot count the so many ways I am privileged to have you for my son.
You have defined things in me that I did not know were discernable in so many ways. That is just the side effect for me. In your journey, the many complexities that make you who you are, blossom into showing that you are a man of great integrity. Of all the people I have ever met, I have learned the most from you.
My own angst fought me at times, making it so hard for us to speak the same language and these were the things that I needed to learn. My eyes often were closed and my mouth was yet speaking. You have given me so much credit; sometimes I do not see how I can be treated with such generosity.
I know in my heart that it really has nothing to do with what you said or I said. It is more about when you love someone as much as I love you, that kind of power can be impossible to comprehend and channel. Love makes me want to give you the finest advantage in your path. Ironically, that same love can be what causes me to not hear and to not see.
We are good though. As time went on, we found our common goals and in them, we could hear and see each other. I want every moment to always be like that. As I look back on my comparatively short time with my father, I so hope that he felt that he had those times with me. In his last hour, he struggled to physically see me with every ounce of strength. In my heart that tells me it was absolutely: yes, he did.
Here today, I strive for an acute awareness of not letting the fullness of our relationship ever slide through our hands. With a boldness that we were born with, a passion that after the explosion keeps progressing as though walking determinedly through mere smoke, never letting the barnacles of this world cover over what is pure energy to be who we are. Who we are to each other.
I always say that my life has been a wild ride. Sure, but I have also been blessed in more ways than I had ever thought possible. I don’t think you could ever know what you mean to me, because it is something that cannot be measured, never be counted, too great to ever be taken in with mere sight. I can write infinite paragraphs and never come close to how I feel about you.
All I can say is “Thank you”. When you were born I never knew that I could have such a friend and someone who could teach me so much and give me so much. I will always fight for that and not only do I need to live it, but it needs to be here, in these words always.